and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
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