I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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