Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
