I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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