I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
