I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
