Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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