Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
