Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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