I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
