I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I wear drunk well.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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