i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
