Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
