I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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