I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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