why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He uses pillows to masturbate.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
