so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
