last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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