My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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