We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
