my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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