I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
