I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize