i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize