i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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