so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
