I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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