Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
