i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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