I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize