THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
