I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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