I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
