I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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