I wish my penis had an off switch
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
