i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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