Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
