i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
