She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
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