watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
