I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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