We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
