my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
