Betty ford says i'm here all night
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
