You're my little dorito
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
