You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
They left me at home... I'm a liability
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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