I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
