The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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