saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize