Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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