dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
