And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
