I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
