i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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