false alarm. still invincible.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
