I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
